[Suggestion would be to read the story under the tab "Demons of War" first]
Seeking positives from the negatives of War
- AW Schade, USMC, Vietnam 1966/67
After writing the "The Demons of War are Persistent," my personal story of Vietnam, and the struggle over forty years against emotional conflicts, nightmares and guilt, which today is universally recognized as PTSD. Like many warriors, I never spoke about the war, nor stayed in touch with brother warriors, dreading the likelihood of talking about horrific memories.
However, this story is not intended to rehash the demons of PTSD. Instead, it is a story of a single session of therapy that helped me grasp why I felt mediocre throughout my life. Do not get me wrong, you will not read about a magical solution to PTSD. There remains a darkness in my soul that I continue to fight back to keep from surfacing. Yet, the following account helped me look at one of my PTSD issues, from a different perspective. Hopefully, it will do the same for you?
Regardless of which war a person fought, I am sure many of their memories are similar to mine, as many of mine are to theirs. I never recognized the persistency of the demons. I did not notice as they matured each time I thought I had beat them. No, they were simply hiding deep within my soul. Disguised and deep-rooted, these demons caused anxiety, loneliness, depression, alcohol abuse, nightmares, and suicidal thoughts, traits that haunted most men from the war. For thirty-five years, I would not admit to these demons in my mind, believing medical assistance was a weakness among man.
When the first Gulf War began in 1990, I sensed the demons bursting from within. No matter how hard I tried to avoid them, I saw vivid images and news coverage of every aspect of the war. The bodies and faces in the media were not strangers anymore. Instead, they were my brothers from a much older and forgotten war. I sought refuge with VA and began attending group therapy.
During my third or fourth group therapy session at the VA, the psychologist leading the meeting persuaded me to speak about myself; starting with my overall thoughts of my tour in Vietnam, but only to focus on what I accomplished; instead of what I lost of myself. After a long hesitation, I told them the greatest accomplishment in Vietnam was the hundreds of people our teams personally saved from rape, torture, or savage death. We did not give a damn about the politicians and college students back home arguing, or running off to Canada to avoid the draft. We were enlisted Marines, on the front lines, protecting innocent people caught up in a horrific war.
My most positive moment, I continued, was when I lifted a three-year-old girl from the rubble that separated her from her parents, who were slaughtered by the Viet Cong for giving us rice the day before. Though traumatized and trembling in fear, she reached up to me, and I cradled her gently in my arms and made her smile for only a moment. I handed her to one of our extraordinary corpsman, and continued to seek out the enemy who committed these atrocious murders. It was then I understood why I was in Vietnam.
However, as with all things I masked in my subconscious, I obscured that moment of compassion for decades until this small therapy group encouraged me to glance back and look for positive events which I buried within the worst of war’s memories.
Moving on to questions regarding my post-war years, the doctor asked me to focus on my career, an area where he knew I had some success. I explained when I left the Marines, after four years, I was youthful and confident in myself. I had no clue as to what depression and anxiety were, and I thought the nightmares were personal and temporary. I was determined to look forward, and in no way backwards to the war. Unfortunately, today I realize that while constantly looking forward helped me avoid chaotic memories of war, it also cloaked the memories of my formative younger years, and positive events throughout my life.
I never relished talking about myself, and thought it would be a good time to stop. However, the group asked me to continue. As peers, they knew I needed to feel a purpose, and not think my life was a second-rate existence. I was reluctant; as I looked around the room and knew many of the Vets succumbed to PTSD early in life and did not fare as well as I did. I felt I was about to sound like a wimp, or worse, a self-centered ass.
Awkwardly, I began to tell them - with many gaps - about my career after Vietnam. My first recollection was one they all understood; I went through eleven or twelve jobs feeling totally out of place. Watching sales managers gather their teams, and with fanatical enthusiasm tell them how great we were, and together would attain the highest sales revenue, beating all other regions. To me this was a game, compared to combat in the jungles of Vietnam.
Feeling extremely frustrated within this environment of man-games, I was ready to head back to the military. However, before reenlistment happened, I got married to my current wife of 42 years-who will be the first to tell you that living with a type-A personality with PTSD is often a living hell, especially when she had no idea what I was battling. But, neither did I. Like millions of warriors before me, I never spoke to anyone about the war, or the nightmares that abruptly woke me; soaked in sweat and tears.
I decided not to reenlist and pursued a career in business, receiving an offer from a very large computer company to join their company as a collection administrator. Within about eight years I was selected to attend Syracuse University to attain a degree in Management - paid by the company at full salary. I accepted challenging positions in finance, marketing, business development, world travel, and sales. Yet, the nightmares, depression, anger, and anxiety were increasing beyond my control.
Traveling to a country once was great, but after the second or third twenty-one hour flight to Bangkok or Singapore got old quickly. I began to realize boredom and repetition were major catalysts for my emotional setbacks; having too much time to think was a recipe for falling hard into the bowels of PTSD. Anger, frustrations, mood swings, and depression were common events affecting my family and career. I had stopped moving forward, and spent more time battling the memories of the past. It was at that time I understood the demons never leave; they simply wait for a sliver of weakness to overwhelm you; they are persistent.
Then, around the time of the First Gulf War in 1990, everywhere I turned were vivid pictures of death, battles and impoverished families, and no way to escape the memories of Vietnam. At that time I still did not accept I had PTSD, but my brother-in-law, who has been treated with it for years, was persistent and talked me into getting a quick check up. Three psychiatrists later, I was not only diagnosed with PTSD, but for the first time understood about the demons I had been fighting alone for forty years.
Today, I have not fully won the battle against the demons, but, with the help of medications, therapy, outside physical activities and writing, I look ahead. The demons continue to haunt me with nightmares, depression, memory loss, anxiety and need for solitude. Because of these conditions, as well as road-rage, quick to anger, or sometimes not able to carry on a coherent conversation, I retired early from my job.
Although I am not able to sit down with a Vet and talk about war, I have taken on a cause through writing stories, such as this one, to reach out to young and senior Veterans to break the stigma of PTSD and seek assistance. It took me over three years to write this story.
Wishing someone had mentioned the following suggestions to me earlier in my life, although being macho I probably would not have listened, following are a few suggestions from one old warrior to others of all ages:
- Break through the stigma of PTSD and get medical assistance - it is real!
- Unless you are in a high-risk job, you will probably not experience the adrenaline rush and finality of your decisions as you did in combat. For me, I lived playing business games - never finding the ultimate adrenaline rush again. It is a void within me, I think about often.
- The longer you wait for treatment, the harder it will be to handle the demons. They do not go away and can lay dormant in your soul for decades.
- Understand it is never too late in your life to begin looking forward and achieving new objectives.
- If you do not want to speak about PTSD with your family or friends, then hand them a brochure from the VA that explains what to look for, and why you need their support. You do not have to go into detail about the tragedies of war, but without your loved ones understanding your internal battle, your thoughts can lead to divorce, loss of family relationship, or suicide – a terrible waste of a hero.
- Silence and solitude is not the answer! If you have PTSD you may not be able to beat it alone.
- If you are concerned about your military or civilian job, seek help from peer resources. They have experienced what you have been through, and will help keep you living in the present, instead of the past.
- Or call a person in a peer support group anonymously. They will not know you, but will talk for as long as you wish.
- You cannot explain the horrors of war to someone, except maybe a PTSD psychologist, that has not experienced it.
- Get up off your ass and take a serious look into yourself! Accept the fact that if you have continuous nightmares, flashbacks, depression, bursts of anger, anxiety, or thoughts of suicide, you have PTSD. If so, talk to someone who can help.
- There is also financial assistance through the VA, which may help you avoid living a life of destitution.
Finally, let your ego and macho image go. There are too many individuals and groups today wanting to help you. If you do not, you may find yourself alone and bitter for a lifetime. The demons are not going away, but with help, you can learn to fight them and win one battle at a time.
Semper Fi!
[AW Schade; a Marine, Vietnam 1966/67, retired corporate executive and author of the award winning book, “Looking for God within the Kingdom of Religious Confusion.” A captivating, comparative, and enlightening tale that seeks to comprehend the doctrines and discord between and within Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and Secularism. What the seeker discovers, transforms his life forever!]
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